Poems List

Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

in A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy

1

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

in Crimes and Misdemeanors

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
1
I’m really a timid person—I was beaten up by Quakers.
1
I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
3
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.
1
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
1
If the universe is expanding, why can’t I find a parking space?
4

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

The Insanity Defense

4

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