Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I’m really a timid person—I was beaten up by Quakers.

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

If the universe is expanding, why can’t I find a parking space?

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.