In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath, and she’d come in and sink my boats.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on my metaphysics final….I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.