Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighboring saloon and does not hear her.

Principles aren't of much account anyway, except at election time. After that you hang them up to let them season.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education .

The pause - that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, howsoever felicitous, could accomplish it.

I have stopped smoking now and then, for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle, it was only to show off; it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a slave to my habits and couldn't break my bonds.

At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on their clothes to keep them from being stolen.

Virtue has never been as respectable as money .

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.