Humor e Ironia

[ Rufus T. Firefly, played by Groucho Marx, speaking :] Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

[ Groucho Marx speaking after a woman says, “I don’t like this innuendo” :] That’s what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

[ Groucho Marx, replying to the comment, “You’re awfully shy for a lawyer” :] You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.

[ Groucho Marx speaking :] Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

It is my task to convince you not to turn away because you don't understand it. You see my physics students don't understand it... That is because I don't understand it. Nobody does.

It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.

A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.

A fool can throw a stone in a pond that a 100 wise men can’t get out.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Life is too important to be taken seriously.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Love is being stupid together.

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one you’ll become a philosopher .